Want to be happier? You may need to think more about death

By Madeline Holcombe, CNN

(CNN) — Journalist Kara Swisher reads quotes about death every day.

She isn’t being morbid or wallowing in sadness; she’s inspired by a practice in Bhutan aimed at cultivating happiness and reducing anxiety about mortality — by thinking about death five times a day.

In the search for a long, happy and healthy life, thinking about death may seem like it would divert you from the trail, but research suggests doing so could play an important part in helping you along the journey.

Thinking about mortality helped people better tune in to positive emotions, a 2007 study found. Another study in 2017 found a link between talking about death and relief from anxiety about it.

The problem is that many people, especially in the United States, avoid acknowledging, thinking or talking about death and dying, which can make them more fearful and less prepared to handle the inevitable end of life, said Dr. Brian Carpenter, professor of psychological and brain sciences at Washington University in St. Louis.

“When you accept death … it promotes community, it promotes meaning,” Swisher said. “You’re not going to be here forever. What are you going to do with the time you have?”

Aren’t we all afraid of death?

It may feel like the fear of death is built into the human psyche and everyone experiences it, but that isn’t necessarily true, said Dr. Erin Emery-Tiburcio, a geropsychologist and professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Rush University in Chicago.

“To say that every human fears death is not accurate, because lots of folks don’t actually fear the ending of life,” Emery-Tiburcio said. “But most of us fear the suffering that might come near the end.”

Part of that fear may come from cultural understandings that people have around aging and the end of life, she added. When younger generations don’t have interactions or relationships with older adults having vibrant lives, later chapters of life can be stereotyped as a time of pain, difficulty and loss, Emery-Tiburcio said.

The more people carry a fear that aging is only negative, the worse their experience may be.

“If I focus on that fear, I am not likely to take care of myself,” she said. “Focusing on the things we can control … also goes a long way.”

On the other hand, a good outlook on aging may result in a healthier and longer life. A groundbreaking 2002 study found that people who had positive perceptions on their own aging were more likely to live longer.

Embracing a positive perspective on aging doesn’t mean erasing the difficulty of illness, a slowdown in abilities or loss of loved ones. Rather, it requires appreciating the full and dynamic experience of life.

“Bereavement absolutely can be painful, and watching your loved one suffer can be painful, but it’s also an opportunity to say all the things you want to say,” Emery-Tiburcio said. “It’s also an opportunity to be able to leave a legacy. It’s an opportunity to leave behind whatever isn’t important to you.”

But you don’t have to get to a place where your fear is completely gone to start reflecting on mortality, Washington University’s Carpenter said.

“There’s nothing wrong if you feel afraid of dying or afraid of death,” he said. “The second step is to figure out, ‘Well, what do I do with those feelings? … How do I take that fear and make something positive out of it?’”

Turning toward it instead of away

Being afraid to talk or think about death can leave people unprepared for the eventuality, both practically and philosophically speaking, Carpenter said.

Preparation can mean putting your affairs in order, talking with loved ones about what you would like to happen after you die, and utilizing the time you have in a way that feels meaningful, he said. That’s because you recognize that you don’t have forever to do what is important to you.

Some cultures and traditions have structured approaches to conversations around mortality, questions around the afterlife and practices around grief, while others do not.

Going through those experiences when you lose a loved one and addressing them with your community rather than sweeping the difficult feelings under the rug may help you learn useful lessons about your own life, Carpenter said.

It is why traditions around burials and memorials are so important, he said.

“They look a lot different from culture to culture, but they have the same kind of goal, which is to acknowledge the death, to make it real and then to bring people together to celebrate that person and take care of each other during the difficult time,” Carpenter said.

As hard as losing a loved one can be, it can also provide a reminder to prioritize your relationships, motivation to act and perspective on what really matters, he said.

How to think about death without spiraling

What does it look like to change your relationship with death without staring up at the ceiling awake at night with existential dread?

One way is to stop avoiding it. If you lose someone, turn toward your community, talk about your experience and maybe join a grief support group, Carpenter said.

If you haven’t lost someone close to you, consider participating in death cafes, he added. These are scheduled public meetups with no agenda but offer free discussion on topics of mortality.

Also important, however, is to stay in the moment, Emery-Tiburcio said. Much of the anxiety around death and aging can come from trying to anticipate the uncertain future.

Instead of focusing on what may come, use the motivation to appreciate the moment you are in now –– whether just through changing your perspective or engaging in an intentional mindfulness practice, she said.

“We savor things that are fleeting,” Emery-Tiburcio said. “That comes back to being in the present moment.”

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