Are you contributing to ‘maternal invisibility’? How to stop

By Kristen Rogers, CNN

(CNN) — When Katherine was pregnant this past summer, several people started to touch her growing belly without asking permission. At medical appointments and in the labor, delivery and recovery rooms, health professionals called her “mama” rather than by her name.

Looking back, she sees those moments as the first signs of some people disregarding her identity and agency. They were overlooking the woman I’ve known my whole life: an amazing friend, wife and sibling who is a hard worker, beautiful singer and theater fanatic.

The disheartening shift has continued since Katherine, whose name CNN agreed to change to protect her privacy, gave birth to her daughter. “I’ve expressed to my husband feeling like my value is different after having a baby,” she said. “You’re almost pushed to the background. My daughter is adorable, and I want everyone to love her. But at the same time, you go through nine months of carrying her and, in a way, suffering and all this pain during labor, and then it’s all about the baby.”

Some people have even flat out told Katherine, “It’s not about you anymore.” And during visits, some people have failed to help with chores or other postpartum needs because they were too preoccupied with fawning over her daughter.

“It makes you feel like, ‘Dang, what am I even here for? I’m just a sack of flesh that pushes out babies for you to enjoy,’” she said. “I’m not even of any worth or value to you anymore, for you to even stop and say, ‘Hello, how are you doing?’ and then hold the baby.”

Being devalued after childbirth seems to be a near-universal experience for new parents, but especially mothers. This erasure is rampant on social media, too, where videos meant to be funny show aunts and grandparents bulldozing past new parents to get to the baby, or hanging up video calls when they answer and see the child isn’t on the screen.

People may say they are only joking or celebrating a new baby, but even when meant well, these dismissive behaviors and comments can be hurtful and harm parents’ mental health, self-worth and sense of community. But the impacts aren’t “really talked about enough in our society,” Siobhán Alvarez-Borland, a postpartum doula in the metro Atlanta area, said.

Being aware of how you may be contributing to what some call “maternal invisibility” can help you become a more considerate person and help new parents still feel valued and supported.

Awareness can also dismantle “the unspoken bias that people have around what postpartum looks like versus what postpartum is actually like,” Alvarez-Borland said. But first it’s good to know what causes these issues.

What drives these behaviors

The lack of conversations about this issue is partly because some mothers, understandably, often feel apprehensive about confronting friends and family for fear of being perceived negatively for vocalizing their hurt and needs — a common consequence.

Chelsey Cox, a 31-year-old woman and mother to three children, confronted a girlfriend who hadn’t been supportive during her recent pregnancy and postpartum period but constantly spoiled her baby.

The woman told Cox she was selfish and needed to be more appreciative. “We’re no longer friends,” Cox said.

Often feeling more enthralled with adorable babies than with your adult loved ones who had them is normal to some extent — and perhaps even an evolutionary advantage. Holding a baby feels good, watching one is entertaining, and both involve very little emotional labor, Alvarez-Borland said. I’d be lying if I said there haven’t been a few times when I had to keep that excitement in check myself.

“People become almost baby-obsessed, and they forget the parents — especially the mother,” Cox, who’s based in South Carolina, said. She went viral last February when she posted an Instagram reel and TikTok titled “Do not offer to babysit,” out of frustration with people not focusing on what new mothers might need to feel supported.

Some mothers I interviewed said selfishness is another reason why some people prioritize the baby over asking about their well-being or other ways they could be helpful.

A unifying theme of many of these situations is sexist patriarchal values — sometimes subconscious, other times overt and even when a woman is the perpetrator. These beliefs further devalue women, but not men, once children are in the picture, said Dr. Caitlyn Collins, an associate professor of sociology at Washington University in St. Louis.

These deeply ingrained social norms mean “we tend to valorize masculinity and devalue femininity,” Collins added. “We think of women’s bodies as not being entirely their own in the same way that we have laws in our country that dictate what women can and cannot do with their bodies, in ways that absolutely do not pertain to men.”

Alvarez-Borland agreed. “A lot of the ways that we view new moms and dads are shaped by sexist expectations,” she said. “Fatherhood is often seen as something that adds to their identity, but motherhood is just expected when you become a woman.”

Some people who frequently call Katherine “mom” do not refer to her husband as “dad” as often, Katherine said. Language like this often centers around only the positive aspects of motherhood, which can make women “feel less like they can communicate the scary thoughts, confusion or struggles,” Alvarez-Borland said.

Additionally, “fathers are praised for participation, but mothers are just expected to disappear into that role without recognition or support and to be graceful, to not complain,” she added.

Katherine’s husband is an incredible father who “does well beyond the bare minimum,” she said. “But it is frustrating when people come around and give him endless praise, when my daughter is seven months old now, and I can probably count on one hand how many people have told me that I’m a good mom. It’s not like I need to hear that, but you notice the gap.

“I’m the one at home doing everything, who got her dressed, who did her hair, who fed her today so that we could be at whatever event that we’re at,” she added. “And because he’s simply holding her so that I can have my first meal of the day that I could eat uninterrupted, now he’s a superhero.”

There is also a deep-seated belief “caregiving is instinctual and self-sustaining” for women, so people assume they’re fine unless women say otherwise, Alvarez-Borland said. These double standards significantly shape how people interact with new parents from day one, she added.

A misunderstanding of the postpartum period

This inconsideration can also result from not realizing how life-altering the postpartum phase really is for many women, said Jordanna Lamb, a woman with four kids younger than 6 years old in Ontario, Canada.

“After birth, you’re figuring out how to keep a brand-new life alive while recovering from a major trauma,” Alvarez-Borland said. “Even in the age of social media, there’s still a lot that people are uncomfortable discussing.”

Regardless of the birth method, women can bleed for weeks afterward, and some wear adult diapers for that. New moms can also experience pain when using the restroom, pain from any birthing complications such as vaginal tearing, and stomach pain when the uterus is shrinking back to size, she added. Some women have postpartum hair loss, acne, dehydration, sleep deprivation and complications such as postpartum preeclampsia.

When Alvarez-Borland came home from the birth of her first child, she felt terrified, she said — she experienced volatile hormonal shifts, “disgusting” night sweats, loneliness and a rollercoaster of emotions. And the adjustment to your new body and to your life now revolving around your newborn’s needs 24/7 can be challenging. “It’s very dangerous to feel invisible in such a vulnerable period of your life,” Alvarez-Borland said.

Historically, mothers were more likely to be surrounded by a community, whereas now, society is much more fracture, said Dr. Lucia Ciciolla, associate professor in the department of psychology at Oklahoma State University. “We live in single-family homes, so you don’t have a lot of built-in support already there. So, when someone has a baby, people don’t see themselves in that support role as much, and coming to visit has a different purpose.”

Some moms therefore decide to just get over their hurt, especially when they don’t have the energy to address it. But keep in mind that the new mom you know just pushed a baby out of her body or endured surgery that cut through several layers of tissue to deliver via cesarean section, after nearly a year of carrying that new life.

How this neglect affects women

For many women, the dawning awareness that people who have known you for years, or even your whole life, don’t value you the same anymore can be painful. That erasure can also lead to resentment, anxiety and postpartum depression, Alvarez-Borland said.

Lamb found this shift “completely devastating,” she said. “I was very young trying to navigate losing a whole bunch of friends that I thought were my support system.”

Neglect can also make women feel uncomfortable asking for help, Alvarez-Borland said.

For many parents, these dismissals are especially painful when coming from their own parents, whose love and concern for their own child suddenly become secondary to their excitement about their grandchild, Ciciolla said.

“But I’m your baby,” new parents often think. “I was your child first.”

All these impacts add to the difficulties women may already experience during pregnancy and postpartum.

How you can do better

There are ways to become a better support for the new (and not new) parents in your life while loving on their little one. Rather than asking whether you can do anything, all the mothers I interviewed said these two gestures were most helpful: when people asked how they could best support them or when they took the initiative to handle certain tasks that obviously needed to be done.

Need some ideas? When you see the sink is filled with dishes, wash them — you can even put them away if you’re familiar with the home’s organization. If you see trash cans are full, empty them. If they’re running low on toilet paper, buy some. If the bathroom floor is dirty, mop it — and so on.

Offer to bring them dinner if they would like or, if they have older children, offer to take them to the park. Come ready to help — in the ways the parents instruct rather than what you think is best — or to be good company, without expecting to be entertained, Lamb said.

Taking initiative can help prevent parents feeling fatigued by having to think of a list of tasks or feeling anxious over not wanting to burden anyone, Cox said.

This isn’t to say you should never volunteer to do anything with the baby — there have been many times when I’ve offered to feed Katherine’s baby, play with her or bath her to give Katherine time to exercise, nap, do something she enjoys or simply break up the monotony of handling everything alone while her husband’s at work.

Some mothers’ needs and preferences differ from others. In contrast to Katherine, Collins continues to relish being called “mom” by people who aren’t her children. “It took me seven years to have two babies, and I went through a lot of IVF,” she said. “So when people call me ‘mama,’ it feels really loving to me, because it was such a hard-fought identity.”

The main point is to ensure your interactions with the baby and parents are more often driven by the parents’ needs than your wants — and that help with the baby shouldn’t be the only thing you offer.

When you ask how the parents are doing before you ask about their child, you’re being mindful of the parents and the varied journeys they’re on emotionally, physically and more — as the significant changes new parents undergo are both beautiful and deeply challenging.

“You can feel grateful that you are a mother, while also still feeling overwhelmed, angry, scared or sad,” Alvarez-Borland said.

Lastly, don’t drop off the face of the earth after the first several months. Maintain your connection with the parents and be part of their village even after the initial excitement wears off, Ciciolla said.

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