Women are over-apologizing. It’s more complex than you might think

By Avni Trivedi, CNN

(CNN) — Gabriela Cryan, a 23-year-old who works in sales in Chamblee, Georgia, once apologized for bringing the wrong coffee order to her colleagues at work — even though the coffee shop made the mistake.

“I feel like a lot of times I say ‘sorry’ in situations that are truly not my fault,” Cryan said. “Even though, in my eyes, I’m not taking accountability, other people may think I’m taking accountability because I’m saying ‘sorry.’”

I’m sorry if this is a dumb question. I’m sorry to bother you. I’m sorry, I don’t understand. I’m sorry, but I’m not interested in you.

Why do women apologize so much, and why don’t men do the same thing? Should they?

Facing an ‘impossible set of expectations’

Psychologist Stephen Hinshaw points to an “impossible set of expectations” placed on girls as a root source of the overuse of apologies.

Hinshaw, a distinguished professor of psychology at the University of California, Berkeley, held focus groups to study the phenomenon and discovered a “triple bind” placed on girls. He found they are expected to be 1) compassionate and nurturing; 2) competitive and driven; and 3) desirable — and able to meet these expectations with little effort.

“How can you be competitive, perfectly altruistic and empathic, and effortlessly sexualized? You can’t. It’s impossible,” said Hinshaw, who is also a professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at UC San Francisco. “But if that’s what the culture expects of you, then you internalize the failure.”

The expectations of the triple bind can manifest as a reflection of other people’s perceptions, Hinshaw explained. The opinions and expectations of others can cast doubt on aspects of yourself.

It’s true now more than ever.

The ages of onset depression, anxiety, binge eating and self-injury were dropping among teenage girls when Hinshaw coauthored the 2009 book “The Triple Bind: Saving Our Teenage Girls From Today’s Pressures and Conflicting Expectations.” But as time has passed, the statistics have shown that “such trends are ever-escalating,” he said.

“The rise of comparative social media (where teens view the supposed perfection of peers, leading to self-denigration), along with the pandemic, and a rising sense of hopelessness overall, have propelled these tragic statistics even further,” Hinshaw wrote in an email.

When there is nothing to apologize for

Ally Hall, a 26-year-old executive assistant in Georgia, points out her tendency to apologize when she’s asking for help on something, even if it’s that person’s job. She says she feels bad for “adding to their stress.”

“I just pay attention to other people a lot — and I don’t want to be a problem for them,” Hall said. “So I just apologize across the board.”

Even in situations that don’t always warrant an apology, some women find themselves reciting those words. The expectation that women should be empathetic manifests as apologies — even for how someone else is feeling, experts say.

“No wonder women would feel that if they’re too assertive maybe they haven’t been compassionate,” Hinshaw said. “They are going to be very cautious about being even ‘appropriately assertive’ because it might break the triple bind of these gender stereotypes.”

A higher threshold for apologies

It’s not necessarily that men don’t apologize, according to Karina Schumann, an associate professor of social psychology at the University of Pittsburgh. Her area of expertise is understanding the psychology of apology behavior.

Schumann coauthored a 2010 study that showed what she calls the “threshold hypothesis,” in which men reported a higher threshold than women for what they deem was offensive and required an apology.

“There seems to be more offenses that are kind of crossing the threshold for women of deserving an apology,” Schumann said. “But when men see a behavior as offensive, they seem just as willing to apologize.”

The stereotype that men never apologize even when they have committed an offense could be a “perceptual or cognitive difference” between men and women, she noted.

Schumann asked study participants to report any offenses they committed or experienced and whether they apologized or not. The findings showed that women were reporting more offenses and apologies overall, but the proportion of offenses they apologized for was the same as for men.

Participants were also asked to evaluate the same imaginary and recalled offenses. When looking at the same offenses, women viewed them as more severe compared with men. Women were more likely to say those warranted apologies.

Apologies in the workplace

Regardless of gender, those who apologize more frequently are seen as caring, communal, warm and likable people, according to Schumann. In a 2023 study, she noted this applied to situations in which the apology was deserved and even in more ambiguous situations where it may not be necessary.

But those same people were also perceived as slightly less assertive and powerful. Oftentimes, people associate apologizing too much as a sign of incompetence, weakness or even behavior that’s annoying.

Schumann says this could affect women more dramatically, as they are often already perceived as potentially less competent, powerful or assertive, especially in the workplace.

Hinshaw points to the power dynamic discrepancy. In 2025, only 29% of women were represented in C-suite roles, a number unchanged from the previous year, according to the Women in the Workplace report from McKinsey & Company and LeanIn.org

Although the women’s rights movement and a greater push toward gender equality has allowed women to feel more comfortable being appropriately assertive, there is still room for improvement.

Recent “political trends” geared to “more traditional femininity” and a gender gap in leadership roles in the United States has continued this assertion problem we’ve seen and talked about for over a decade.

“There is still a norm that women must be subservient to men, and to apologize for what most would consider to be appropriate assertion, without a need for apology,” Hinshaw said in an email.

What is a real apology?

There is another way to look at apologies, Schumann and Hinshaw say — as acts of humility and empathy.

Apologies can be a valuable way to connect with people, clarify intent, and make others feel validated, seen and understood.

Even without meaning to, the words “I’m sorry” may not feel enough. At a young age, Cryan’s dad told her to say, “I apologize,” when she was taking accountability for something rather than saying “I’m sorry.”

When people take the value out of apologies, through an excess of using them for unnecessary situations, they are diminishing their importance when an apology is truly needed.

Hall feels like apologies come off as less genuine when they’re overused. To her, a true apology is not just the words you say but the change in behavior that follows, which doesn’t happen when you apologize for asking a question or a favor.

“Be mindful of when you apologize. Think about trying to make it less of a reflex that you just stumble into and more of a ‘Have I done something in this situation that warrants an apology?’” Schumann said.

Hinshaw encourages everyone, regardless of gender, to approach more situations with humility.

“The humble stance may prevent the over-apologizing and the overacting or overselling,” Hinshaw said. “If we all were a little more humble about what we need to know and how much we can learn from others — that might be the kind of solution that goes one step above apologizing or being overly assertive.”

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