He’s taught millions about unhealthy attachments. Now, he wants to help you become secure

By Kristen Rogers, CNN

(CNN) — You get home from a long trip and see a scribbled note is waiting for you on the table. “Call me. We need to talk,” the message from your partner reads. What do you think?

A) “Oh my God, they want to break up with me, or something bad happened. I’m calling right now.”

B) “Ugh, I just got back, and they want me to call right away already? No.” (And then you never call.)

C) “Something horrible probably happened but I can’t deal with that, so I’m not going to call.”

D) “Oh, I wonder what they want to tell me. Maybe something really good has happened. I’m so excited to hear from them! I’ve got to call right away.”

Your answer likely depends on your attachment style, according to Dr. Amir Levine, associate professor of clinical psychiatry at Columbia University.

Attachment theory lays out how emotionally safe or unsafe you feel in relationships, how sensitive you are to potential signals of unsafety, and how you handle those signals. If you didn’t pick D, which reflects a secure attachment style, you may have a troubled relationship with intimacy and rejection. Levine wants to help you with that, which is why he wrote his latest book, “Secure: The Revolutionary Guide to Creating a Secure Life,” released April 14.

The new release is the follow-up to “Attached,” the 2010 bestseller that Levine cowrote with Rachel S.F. Heller that has popularized attachment science.

To this day, the concepts discussed in “Attached” and the broader field of study, as well as distortions of both, continue to permeate the therapeutic landscape — whether in professional treatment settings and social media content or everyday conversations about why your friend ghosts her partner for three days every time there’s conflict or why your colleague fears getting fired whenever they receive a meeting invite.

“‘Attached’ really described attachment styles in romantic relationships,” Levine said. “‘Secure’ expands this foundation to all relationships. Now that we know about these attachment styles, what are we going to do about it to improve our lives in a much more systematic way, with specific tools?”

The attachment styles

Historically, psychologists have found that attachment styles are influenced by the extent to which primary caregivers fostered emotional and relational security in their children by validating their feelings, enjoying time together, making themselves available to their kids and their needs, and being involved in their child’s interests.

Over the past 16 years, several books, including “Attached,” helped to popularize the idea that those emotional attachments formed in infancy and early childhood persist into adulthood and affect our relationships — though Levine said some research has shown the development isn’t always so linear or fixed, and that parents aren’t always the most significant influence.

Some of Levine’s advice for becoming secure can apply to most people, but other suggestions depend on where you fall on the attachment style spectrum — Levine has a quiz on his website for learning your style.

People with anxious attachment (answer A) have an exceptional sensitivity to rejection, for fear of being unloved. They may get attached to others quickly and have a highly attuned radar for actual or perceived changes in the environment or in their loved ones’ behaviors, Levine said. They can become preoccupied with them and may struggle with giving loved ones space during an argument or with ending unhealthy relationships. If they see their partner is less enthusiastic than usual, they may ruminate about whether their partner still loves them, instead of considering other options such as simply having had a bad day or not getting enough sleep.

As a response, people with anxious attachment often engage in “protest behaviors,” Levine said. When a love interest hasn’t texted back for a few hours, for example, those tactics can include checking their social media for clues, sending multiple follow-up texts, lashing out, giving the silent treatment or threatening to leave — in an effort to prompt that person to prove their feelings for them, helping oneself to feel safe, connected and loved again.

People with an avoidant attachment style (answer B) view closeness as a loss of independence and consequently withdraw or push someone away when a relationship becomes more intimate, Levine said. They feel that when they’re in need, they can’t trust or rely on others because those people will think less of them or get upset with them.

Their distance from their own emotions and their emphasis on self-sufficiency can both prevent them from being cognizant of, or attentive to, others’ needs, even in times of conflict, Levine said. They may also inaccurately perceive the ways others support them. Avoidant individuals also tend to avoid sharing the more vulnerable details of their lives and navigating conflict or serious conversations.

People with a fearful avoidant attachment style (answer C) experience a mix of the trappings of anxious and avoidant attachments, Levine said. That can lead to a push-pull cycle of yearning for closeness while also feeling terrified of it and the risk of getting hurt, which can be confusing and frustrating for both them and their loved ones.

“You may love with all your heart and have the best of intentions, yet time and again you find it difficult to make closeness work,” Levine wrote in his book.

Becoming secure

Having a secure attachment style looks like being comfortable with closeness and the ebbs and flows of relationships without feeling threatened or deeply wounded. Secure people tend to have a higher sense of self-worth and an easier time maintaining boundaries. All considered, these people’s lives and relationships usually feel happier and more stable — which is associated with lower rates of disease and mental health issues and with living longer.

Levine has found that secure attachments involve five pillars: consistency, availability, responsiveness, reliability and predictability, or CARRP for short. Consistency refers to the maintenance of a regular rhythm in a relationship, such as calling once a day, while availability is defined by a commitment to being there when needed and taking some responsibility for someone’s well-being, he explained. Responsive is the natural outcome of being available, while reliability means you or your loved ones feel that you show up for each other in the first three ways. Predictability refers to being steadfast in one’s commitment to the other four pillars.

How do you develop a secure attachment style? While you may think much of your self-work or healing should be done alone, Levine strongly advocates for assessing the security in your social connections. Does your close circle frequently exhibit actual problematic behaviors that activate your attachment style? That can prevent your brain from learning that more secure realities are possible. The brain tends to gravitate toward drama — especially in the context of insecure attachment — but you should deprioritize people who don’t demonstrate the five pillars and prioritize those who do, Levine said.

Also consider how you respond to relationship “threats,” Levine said.

If you typically engage in protest behaviors or ruminate on how others feel about you, ask yourself what a secure person would think or do, Levine said. Also, will you regret that behavior? What else can you do to help yourself just sit tight and wait? Have you considered the other potential, reasonable explanations for whatever’s upsetting you?

If you regularly run from closeness, try working on communicating your need for space while also reassuring the other person of your feelings for or commitment to them, instead of doing whatever you want without involving them, Levine said. Also set realistic timing for interactions instead of ignoring attempts for connection or making promises you don’t deliver on. You might also try asking people for small favors to chip away at your insistence on self-reliance.

Depending on the intensity of your attachment style and what’s causing it, these suggestions may sound easier said than done. Levine thinks how much of this inner work you can do on your own, if desired, depends on a few factors: your level of self-awareness and pain, or whether you feel like you’re hitting a wall.

“Sometimes people can read and something can click and they can really change,” Levine said. But “if you see that you’re struggling, then maybe it’s time to ask for help.”

Cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectical behavior therapy have been found to be significantly helpful for building self-esteem and coping with difficult emotions. You can find a therapist by asking your physician for a referral, consulting with your insurer or researching on your own.

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